Everyone F***s Up: Four Steps To Turn Your Mistakes Into Opportunities For Growth
Everyone makes mistakes. Errors. Blunders. Missteps. Oversights. Gaffes. Omissions. Faux pas. Boo-boos. Slipups. Bungles. Everyone with the capacity to make decisions makes mistakes.
Some are small. Some are colossal. Some are innocent. Some are malicious. Some are inconsequential. Some are life-changing. Some are made out of ignorance. Some are made with full knowledge of the potential consequences. Some are made thoughtlessly. Some are made deliberately. Some can become the subject of jokes and epic stories. Some shatter lives and become sources of shame. We all make mistakes.
Turning left when we should have turned right. Hurting someone’s feelings with careless words. Not going to the bathroom when you had an opportunity. Forgetting to check what’s inside the oven before turning it on. Grabbing someone’s ass from behind thinking it’s your wife, and realizing a split second too late that it isn’t. Overindulging at the Chinese buffet. Pushing your luck by trying to get a few more miles down the road when you’re already running on fumes. Becoming intimate without checking her ID first. Making a move on someone before realizing they’re not really into you. Marrying for money instead of love. Betraying your loyal spouse. Climbing a ladder to get on a roof or into a deer stand when you’re really too heavy to, too old to or too drunk to. Wearing dangling jewelry or neck ties around moving parts. Eating all of the cake. Gambling away the rent money. Playing with yourself in a movie theater (RIP Paul Reubens). Going places that you know that you shouldn’t be with people that you shouldn’t be with. Drinking things that you know that you shouldn’t drink. Smoking things that you know that you shouldn’t smoke. Snorting things that you know that you shouldn’t snort. Stuffing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s down your pants and casually walking out of the store with it without paying. Driving when impaired by lack of sleep or abundance of substance. Passing on wearing eye protection. Running with scissors. You get the point?
Not all mistakes are equal. There is a spectrum. It’s not as if they can be quantified in any strict sense, such as being ranked on a scale between one and ten, but clearly the range can be from trivial and catastrophic. Mistakes can be made that are so insignificant that they aren’t even noticed or are ever-so-briefly noticed but never thought of again. Others can have life-long consequences or lead to our death or the death of others.
A significant portion of my practice as an acute care surgeon places me in contact with people immediately after making a mistake. Are you familiar with the term “prison pocketbook”? Well, if one isn’t careful, things can be deposited too securely in the good ole prison pocket book and require surgical intervention. Drugs. Cellphones. Improvised shanks. Laughable to one with the right sense of humor. Deplorable to others. Mistakes none-the-less. You may or may not be surprised to learn that losing things in the poop chute isn’t some isolated prison phenomenon. Moving on…
The patients that come to us in the trauma world get there by a mixture of freak occurrences and mistakes. Kids being kids. Young mothers. The elderly unwilling to give up their drivers’ license. Distracted drivers. Jealous lovers. Cops. Drunk drivers. Clergy. Hardened criminals. Desperate people crying out for help. People so down that they don’t see another way out. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes we can help them. Sometimes we can’t. We don’t judge. We always try. Observing trauma outcomes gives a stark illustration that the consequences of mistakes aren’t doled out in any rational or consistent manner. Some people get a second chance. Some people don’t. Some people die from their own mistakes. Some people die from the mistakes of others.
Making mistakes is a part of life. It’s not a matter of if we’re going to make one, but a matter of when. The real question is, how will you respond when you inevitably make one? This is the true test of your character. It’s where the rubber meets the road.
Four Steps To Turn F*** ups Into Growth Opportunities
Own it
Ok. So you f***ed up. Sometimes it may take a while to realize that you f***ed up. Other times you may have known that you were going to f*** up even before you f***ed up. A solid, defiant, consequences-be-damned, I’m going to do this no matter what f*** up. We’ve all been there, even though some may have a hard time admitting it. Acknowledge it. Trying to shift the blame to others or to rationalize it away will either delay or prevent you from experiencing a valuable opportunity for growth.
Deal with the consequences / make amends
F*** ups can be embarrassing, hurtful, and devastating. Sometimes the consequences may include include losing something or someone that you value. Loss of reputation. Loss of self respect. Loss of trust. Loss of innocence. Loss of money. Loss of time. Loss of family. Loss of opportunity. Loss of freedom. Accept that your actions have consequences, even if you loathe them. If you hurt someone, genuinely try to make amends. They may not be receptive, but it is your duty to try. You are responsible for your actions, not theirs. They may eventually come around and forgive you. They may not. Either way you have to face it.
Resolve not to do it again
You’re already learning from the most recent in a series of f*** ups. There is no need to repeat the lesson. You don’t get extra credit. There will be plenty more f*** ups to learn from in the future. This sounds simple enough, but can require an immense amount of will power and sometimes even physical barriers. Truly internalize your lessons. Remember them. They are part of your own personal history. Winston Churchill once said “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” (At least I think he said it. I recently listened to a podcast that discussed that many great quotes and sayings have been misattributed to Sir Winston.)
Learn to forgive yourself and move on
You f***ed up. You can’t change the past, but what you can do is learn from it. It may not seem like it at the time, but you will eventually reach the point where you’ve legitimately done everything that you can. Some f*** ups have forever results. You can’t fix or undo every wrong that you’ve done. While it is important to remember your past f*** ups so that you don’t repeat them, it is unhealthy to ruminate on them excessively. Even though some f*** ups will always be a part of you, you have to find a way to move on. The biggest obstacle to moving on for people who aren’t narcissists or sociopaths is usually self-forgiveness. Knowing that everyone f***s up and that there are no new f*** ups under the sun doesn’t always get us over the hump. It can be a process. It may require intensive counseling and mind set work. Use it as fuel for the fire of self improvement.
Don’t give up. Don’t hang your head low in shame. F***ing up isn’t the end of the road. It’s the beginning of a journey of self discovery and betterment.
