Beat Your Face: Back to The Basics
Have you ever heard a phrase that totally caught you off guard?
In the fall of 1994, I was fresh out of high school and starting to make my way in the world. The first series of adventures were to be courtesy of good ole Uncle Sam. The only thing standing between me and my destiny in glamorous, luxurious Ft Riley, Kansas was a brief layover in Ft Knox, KY for a combination of basic training and specialty training that my recruiter called OSUT (which stood for One Stop Unit Training).
You know how some people are just destined to be in the military? From a very young age they just demonstrate an affinity for all things olive drab and effervesce red, white and blue? They eat, sleep and drink patriotism, service and valor? Talk the talk? Walk the walk? Born to kick ass and take names? I was not that guy at all. Not even close. I pretty much joined the army on a whim and had no idea what I was getting into. I mean, I saw Full Metal Jacket and knew that I didn’t want to be a Private Pyle, but beyond exposure from a few movies, I was clueless.
As a card carrying smart ass, I probably could have used a little more preparation. The vocabulary was absolutely rich with material. Too rich for my level of maturity at times. It truly pushed my ability to keep a straight face and hold back laughter to the limits.
Imagine it being your first day of boot camp. A red faced drill sergeant is screaming in your face and tapping the brim of his Smokey the Bear hat on your forehead like a deranged woodpecker. For some reason unbeknownst to you, it seems that he has “a case of the ass.” For you civilians out there, “a case of the ass” is not a good thing. Not good at all. I mean, I knew that it was all an elaborate show to make an impression but some of my counterparts were mortified. They completely failed to find the humor in the situation. Their smart ass gene must have been either recessive or absent.
Between the spitting and the world class chain of profanities, Drill singles out an overweight, meek eighteen year old next to you and says “What the f^<% are you lookin’ at, Private? Do you want to f^<% me or something?You make me sick! Beat your f^<%in’ face!” I was about to explode trying to hold back the laughter. It was a brilliant display of vulgarity. The poor kid was petrified. Again, Drill shouted. Louder and wetter this time, “BEAT! YOUR! F^<%IN’! FACE!!!”
Not being privy to the meaning of the lingo, the kid dutifully balled up his fist and punched himself square in the jaw with as much strength as he could muster in his rattled state. This was too much for Drill, who had to tuck his chin into his chest and hide behind his hat for few moments to compose himself. Sensing the distress of his understudy, Big Drill stepped in out of nowhere, like a shape shifting ninja and shouted “F^<%in’ push ups! On the ground! Go! Every f^<%in’ one of you! Until I’m tired! Move! One - two - three - one, one - two - three - two, …”
Fast forward a few years to the end of 2023 / beginning of 2024. Things can gradually slip up on us, and with enough neglect, they can really get out of control. We have all experienced this universal truth in one way or another. The key is to recognize the problem and do something about it. My epiphany went something like this: “For God’s sake! When did my pecs start turning into tits?” It was crystal clear that it was time to nip it in the bud, so to speak. I have had pretty good success with a combination of intermittent fasting and a combination of keto / carnivore, but now it’s time to take things to the next level. Time to start to ramping up the activity. Particularly with the spectre of the Murph looming for later this year.
So, I’m getting back to my roots. It’s time to start beating my face again. My starting point is a version of the 30 day push up challenge. My goal is do do at least 100 push ups a day, every day during this 30 day period. Organize the sets as you must to get the job done. I’ll try to remember to report my specifics at a later date, but I’m at the half-way point and so far, so good. That said, I’m running out of day. Time to stop typing and knock out a few more sets.
Once I make some consistent progress with the push ups, I will begin to add a few more exercises. The goal is to come up with a portable program that can be done anywhere, because for now, work is on the road and the bills have to get paid.
Murph push up goal: 200 reps
Have you ever heard a phrase that completely caught you off guard?
I’d love to hear them.
Feel free to share in the comments.
Key words:
to have a “A case of the ass” - to be angry about something. Not just normal anger. Irrational, red faced anger accompanied by muttering and sputtering incomprehensible phrases, typically a mangled stream of curse words. There is often an accompanying salivary sprinkler effect, which may be minty fresh courtesy of Skoal or a less expensive knock off.
“beat your face” - to do push ups (repeatedly pound our face towards or into the ground) with the intention of satisfying the angry man dissatisfied with every aspect of your being.
“‘Man boobs’ is an offensive term. I prefer tit-he’s”
- Ron White
